There comes the time ( or times ) when I feel empty, sad, hollow inside... hollow like a atom. the most important thing in human life is the state of his mind. granted that he is not actively dying and the mind is not clouded by drugs. it is all coected to passing the DNA again.the purpose of life is not happiness, pleasure, or feeling good. it is passing the genes. so happiness (a state of mind) is the means not the end. so it is always temporary, the baseline can be changed but the maxiumum can not be sustained. it is sad and pointless pursuing something that is temporary. like bulding the most elaborate sand castle the beach close to the ocea, it will fall apart sooner or later...however when you are happy , you are hopeful, energetic, positive, etc, but the chemical transmitters will eventually fade off and the euphoria will disapear. if your state of the mind baseline is high enough then you are healthy and normal being and start towarc achiving another goal and another happiness. but if your baseline is low (like me ), welcome to emotional roller coster, hell,....Being happy is relatively easy but realistically hard.... you should have a normal childhood, nomral body, normal mind , normal relations , normal enviroment to begin with. it can be categorized as normal inside and normal outside.... and a lot of it is out of your hands....    

As I said millions time before the most important factor in your life is luck. some people have it, some people don't. everybody's fate is already sealed they just don't know it yet.everybody is bo alone an die alone and sometimes live alone. everybody experiences the world differently than others. the experiences ( all kinds of them) are similar but not the same. one of the good omens that can happen to somebody is finding a good companion. good companions usually shares similar worldviews, virtues, fears,etc and have similar experiences as the person or try to feel similar ( empathy/ sympathy stuff). there are a lot problems in this world that can crush you into oblivion if you don't have a good companion. And like everything else 100% of the time the chance of finding one is based on luck. you can try but yet again everything is out of your control realistically. P.S. the breathing is getting harder and coughing is gettin worse. signs of upcoming worse days...

sometimes, for a couple of dasy in a row, I don't have the energy to get out of the bed. I more sleepy.It can be due to ILD, hypothyroidism or depression. I have had nightmares recently. It involved my father and going back to Iran to die. If I can go back to Iran I will die of this disease. there is no cure there. no transplant. even here the the lung transplant is the last resort.no guarantees except pain and suffering. borrowing time.. postponing death.As it was said in the house MD " almost dying changes nothing, dying chages everything". It is a horrowing experience. It hollows the soul ( if there is such a thing). especially if the person does not believe in the afterlife. this is it. the end. so empty.. so pointless.. so useless.some experiences and feelings can not be described, they can only be felt.. death is one of them. and everybody experience it alone.my mind is too tired to form coherent thoughts at the moment. maybe later I write more